>.<

It's times like these when I wish I had a bad bad bad habit that I could turn to...

It makes her feel unsteady...

"tayo ba'y nabubuhay para lang mamatay?"

It's exactly 4:27 in the morning. I can't sleep, that line is stuck in my head.
I decided to continue this quasi-soul-searching thing.

I seriously don't know why I'm doing this. I am more introspective lately since malapit nanaman magpasukan.
I figured that I owe it to myself that when I get back to school, I am somehow wiser than when I left. Kinda like to prove to myself that I DO learn stuff in my own terms.
But I seriously doubt my own theory there. O.O

Anyways, let's get on to business.

Hmmm... let me start by saying that....
Uhhh...

Well this is getting nowhere.

Hmm... I guess it'll be smart to start with my relationship with God.

God for me is... God.
Wow. I'm sorry, I just couldn't decribe that in any other way. Well, I guess God to me is pretty much who God is to everyone else.
The One who created everything. The One who gives us life, The One who gets the gears into motion, etc. etc.

And at the same time, He is my wall, my sword and my pen.

"She said it makes her feel unsteady, without a god to blame..."

My relationship with God (sorry for the redundancy, I just feel uncomfortable referring to God as 'Him'. Y'know, like I would a human male O.O)
Anyways, my relationship with God, I believe is a healthy enough one. At least... it's as healthy as it could get at the moment.
Yes, I admit most of the time I just talk to God when I need or want something, but sometimes I still spare God my time of the day just to talk to Him. (see? It's weird.)
I get angry with God, I get frustrated with Him (ugh. 'kay I'll stop complaining about it now). Sometimes I blame God for things I have no business blaming God for.

And yet somehow.., I find myself still in one piece. I am neither smitten nor prematurely damned. (not that I would know for sure O.O)

Anyways, the point is, if God hasn't removed me from the face of the Earth yet, I must be doing something right.... And then I remember the positive moments of my... moments with God.
This next part sounds REALLY out of character for me, but it's true. You guys all know I'm paranoid about my health, right?
I really am. I think every fever may be fatal for me and I freak out easily. That's why everytime I'm sick I thank God for waking me up, whenever I wake up.
And then unfortunately, after I get better and shit, I go back to my routine of only asking things from God and getting frustrated with Him.

"How many times? How many times before you tire?"

Thinking about this... somehow it freaks me out. I mean, have you ever wondered if/ when God will get tired of "being there for you"? 'Coz, if we're honest with ourselves, He has every right to be.
It freaks me out when I think about when that day might come for me.. if it would come at all.

Now that I've lost my train of thought on that subject. I'd like to hop onto another.

"And she thinks that I'm the one that makes it rain..."

I am one of those people who'd like to think that "God is a scientist." I mean, technically, He's the one that sets all that science into motion, so it would be dumb to think that believing in science is being Atheistic.
But that's just my opinion. So, yes, I believe in evolution (just not exactly Darwin's evolution). And...

I lost my train of thought there too. >.< I need to start taking pills for this.

I'll get back to that later I guess... Hmm... what else would I like to discuss?

Oh yeah. Afterlife.
I try not to think about afterlife too much. i mean, I'm having such a hard time with THIS life as it is.
One thing I don't get though...

I hope no one gets mad at me, but this whole Spiritual Thing looks oddly selfish when you add 'The After Life' into equation.
What do you do? I do good.
Why? So that I can share love and peace to my fellowmen.
Why? So it would please God by doing His will
Why do you need to please God by doing His will? ... so I wouldn't be damned for all eternity. So I could have eternal life in paradise.

See? Everything still boils down to the word "I". In the end, it's still all about you, yourself, and... uhh... you.

"me me me me me me me"

But again, that just my opinion (which is arguably jaded by sleep-deprivation, boredom, and... sleeplessnesss O.O LOL)

Now that we got into that now, I guess it would be safe to dish out another point... our purpose in life.

"tayo ba'y nabubuhay para lang mamatay?"

I know most of us would like to believe we are here for a reason, but I also know that somewhere deep within us there is this voice thst tells us that we're going nowhere and that all of it is for nothing.
To those who are more enlightened than I am, we are supposedly here to live out the purpose given to us by God. And, apparently, all of us here have a purpose. I would hope so.

But what about still-borns who never got a chance to do anything? They didn't even get a chance to be baptized. So, technically, are they out of God's greater scheme of things?
But isn't God the one who kindles a woman to get pregnant? So He must've created that baby for a reason, but why kill him/her so fast? What about that baby's mission?
I'm afraid to type this... but does that mean, that God simply didn't want that child to be part of His greater scheme of things? I mean... if the child was unbaptised, then he/she cannot reside with God in heaven.
So basically, he/she never got a chance...

why?


"tayo ba'y nabubuhay para lang mamatay...?"